ORIGINAL POEM
Faith melts in his warm mouth
Loveless he faces the umbrage of upstaged girls
Whom he´d banged into their brains strange wonders and confused ways.
On sumac lips passing like northern lights
His kisses tickle softer than cattail and pussy
Willow on his face a lust for the sun curled up
And dying.. November
NEW POEM
Lust melts in his look
Loveless he faces the passiveness of upstaged girls
Whom he'd banged into their brains strange wonders and confused responses
On sumac lips passing like northern birds
His kisses mesmerize softer than wine and delicate
Melodies and then explode with the sun rising up
And dying -- the night
Stop sanewashing, dammit
14 hours ago
Nice illustration of how only a very few permutations can alter the meaning and tone of a whole text. Version two is so much more lyrical...
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